Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Becoming a little bitch.

I have this horrible tendency to care what other people are doing.  No, wait... that almost sounds like a good thing.  I have a horrible tendency to give a shit about things that aren't my business and don't affect me.

That's more like it.

I don't know exactly where this came from, but it's really embroidered in me.  It may just sound like I'm a nosy parker, but it comes with a nice side of judginess.  I can sit back and raise my eyebrows about someone else's finances (why did she buy ___, though?), someone else's romantic life ("isn't he married, though?"), someone else's work ("this douchebag doesn't know how to do his job, and he makes $10 an hour more than me"), someone else's fashion and jewellery choices ("it rattles when you walk, is that really office appropriate?").

Quite frankly, it's exhausting being me, especially given that, clearly, I'm perfect in every way. Me, and the extra 40 pounds I'm carrying (also exhausting).

Ah, but there it is.  I couldn't resist making a small jab at myself as well.  I think I judge other people so readily, because I'm consistently judging myself.   It's difficult to live in your own brain, sometimes, because even when we're conscious that one person thinks differently from the next, we're tend to go back to assuming that everyone sees the world the same way.  I operate under the impression that everyone is thinking about how chubby I am when they meet me* (comfortably furnished.  If I were a couch, I'd be overstuffed microfiber: cosy but nice enough for the good living room), so I tend to think about how chubby I am very frequently.  That way, I can beat them to the punch when it comes to judging me.

What I'm finding so hilarious about this - at the moment - is that I just plain don't have time for that shit right now.  The man who wrote the awful piece of work in my office isn't my concern, because I'm way too busy doing other things during my work day.  I've stopped actively disliking my neighbours, because I'm far too busy outside of my apartment to care what's happening inside it**.  So, I don't have time for this stuff now, why am I making time for it when I do have time?  Wouldn't it be better spent focusing on other hobbies?

*The interesting thing about this, of course, is the assumption that they've given me that much thought at all.  It's a special kind of low to think that people firstly are thinking of you, and then that they are thinking of you in a negative way.  As I said up there^, exhausting.

**The mildly interesting thing about this is knowing that she's stewing about it during her day, because she doesn't have much to do. Statement of fact, no judgment there.

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